One of my struggles is that I just don’t know. I don’t know if I should try to find love now or if I should wait. The consensus is that it will happen when the timing is right. Well I know that and want to believe that; however I also know that if you don’t put energy towards something it most likely will not be achieved. Yes I know this is random post….hang on as I will explain.
So this week I am on the road…Yes, I am on a rare business trip. I attended a conference in Los Angeles California where I received recognition for being one of the top 100 most innovative CIO’s in the midsize enterprise market space. To many this may not mean much; however to me and my peers this is a pretty big nice thing. All this and I still get wrapped up in contemplating an area that remains uncertain in my life.
Let me lay it out so you can visualize the situation. I am at an event with my peers sponsored by a vendor that is trying to get us to buy the wares they are peddling. They are buying alcohol and we are all just enjoying the evening and conversing. The woman that is coordinating this event is a very attractive woman… For now she’ll be known as Ontario. She is intelligent, has a really great figure, confident, and is well put together. So the topic of her age comes in to discussion. The other guys are saying she is in her early thirties and I am like no way…her face says she is at least 38…then she says she has a 17 year old. So I chime in at 41. She is 42 soon to be 43. Needless to say I am quite impressed. She touted the fact that she works hard at it and is very proud. Shoot, I would be too!! So we all chat some more and I find that she is recently separated after being married to her high school sweetheart for like 18 years. I share some of my story and the evening ends… I return to my room wine in hand and proceed to sit on the balcony overlooking Beverly Hills and I think. I sit there and wonder what goes through the mind of a 42 year old woman who has two kids, her own business, and seems to have it all together. Is she done with the idea of marriage? Would she consider marriage again? Why would she throw it all away?
I didn’t process this “just because”. I processed this because it is an internal struggle that I face. I have three kids who need a lot of me. There is only so much to give. So I ask myself: Should I just scrap the idea of finding love until my youngest is older and less dependent? I figure that is 6-7 years out. I’d be 41-42 and still have some good years ahead of me. Or should I put effort into it when the opportunity presents itself? So my mind was racing about the options and well Ms. Ontario certainly showed that at 42 there were still woman that I would find quite attractive at all levels. So I went to bed set on asking her for her perspective.
The next day was full of sessions so I didn’t get a chance to engage her privately until last night before the awards dinner. As we were walking in I asked her if I could ask a more personal question. She said yes and we stopped and talked. I explained me and then asked my questions from above. She was very open to the dialogue. She said she had only left her husband three weeks earlier and that she wasn’t certain she was done with her marriage. She said she wants to be married; however she is tired of not being fulfilled in that relationship. She said she is afraid of being alone and desires to have someone to journey with. She told me that she believes love should just be allowed to happen naturally and once she is done figuring out her and where she is at in life…she desires for that to happen. She urged me to do the same… and we left it at that. She gave me her business card and told me to stay in touch. No worries Ms. Ontario…. I will.
So at the end of all that I realized I have time. Yes, I want it; however I want it to be right. I struggle today because I don’t have the time or energy to be “me” in a relationship and I don’t like that. The kids want a mom…I just don’t want to settle for less than what God has for me.
