Could it be? Yep…it is me.

I really apologize to those of you who used to read my blog regularly. I have been blogging really inconsistently (well not at all) since the school year started. While I realize that it is not much of an excuse considering how busy everyone is, I truly have not had the time to blog with the frequency to which I once did. Heck…I haven’t even been able to read blogs I love to read. I must say thank you to the subtle nudges that I have received in the last few weeks from my friends…calling me…emailing me… gently asking me to surface again. It feels good to be missed…I have missed all of you. Thanks for hanging in with me.

So I am back…back to blogging. I’m not sure it’ll be all that gratifying, though, because I’m mostly writing this entry to let y’all know that the blogging’s going to continue to be light here for the foreseeable future.

One of my reasons for starting this blog was to make the life of a single dad of three somewhat more transparent to the world at large: to give people a better sense of what goes on with my time, the challenges I face, what it’s like to be a single full time dad, and how I got here in the first place. Another reason, of course, was to connect with people outside my usual social universe. While I’ve no idea whether I really succeeded in helping people understand me, there’s no doubt that blogging has helped me meet and talk to some amazing people… thanks for being patient and always supporting…thanks for being here.

As it would be hard to review all the events that have occurred in my blogging sabbatical…I will try to summarize and catch you up. My journey over the last month has been a bit crazy…

·         School started. Three kids. All new schools. All new routines. I have to work remotely two days a week just to get it all done

·         I got a promotion at work. More responsibility. Some travel. Not much more $$.

·         My youngest started really verbalizing and acting out her emotions about her mother’s death. Back to grief counseling. Tomorrow she turns five, yet her emotions are like those of a three year old.

·         I met a woman…a really great, intelligent, sexy single mom of two…an engineer…the real deal…a keeper. So we are dating…exclusively.

All in all life has been good. I really can’t or won’t complain. Life is going at break neck pace and I am trying to keep it all together…without adding too much to the chaos.

I’ll be back… I miss sharing… I miss the fellowship.

Look at me!!

I was so honored to be a guest blogger on Single Mom Seeking’s blog. 

So if you want some more details on my story…go check it out.

SMS…Thank you for letting me share.

Blog Crushing

 

Looking at the very trusted, often advised Urban Dictionary I find the definition of a crush to be:

1.        The act of falling hard for someone even though it isn’t love yet.

2.        A person you find to be attractive (physically, mentally, whatever)

3.        An amazing thing that gives you feelings of nerves and excitement whenever you see them.

There was no listing for a “blog crush” so I decided to define it myself. For me it has to meet certain criteria:             

1.         I can’t wait to read what they post next. 

2.         I want to be at minimum friends with them. 

3.         I think they are the shiznit

4.         I find them attractive: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or whatever floats my boat.

5.        If I were to meet them in person, my skin may turn a nice shade of red.

Not to go all junior high on anyone…but I have some crushes…and a week ago last Saturday night I had the opportunity to meet one.

I can’t actually remember how I ran across her blog, but as I read her blog on impermanence, I remember thinking this woman has so much depth to her soul…what does she look like? After reading it I must have spent an hour researching the topic..I was hooked on her insight. So wise to know herself so deeply. Over the course of the last two months I began to comment on her blog…and we began to become blogosphere friends.  Her comments on my blogs were always insightful and personal…she was reading me as well…I was honored. Over time we began to communicate via iHeart and regular email. Eventually we decided to meet…just two single parents…two blogging friends going to meet and make a virtual friendship more real.

As with any single parent meeting the scheduling took some time to coordinate. Her kids…my kids…we needed no kids. Well that came to be and the plan was set. She knew of this outdoor concert at a local art museum in downtown Dallas. We decided that was the venue and I’d take care of dinner reservations.  It was a date…well sort of.

I have a few rules that I apply to all dates…if we are dining…pick a great restaurant so that if the company is lacking, you can at minimum savor the food. I picked a great restaurant… Stephan Piles.  This five star restaurant has been on my short list for awhile now. Even if T and I couldn’t talk…we would have a great meal.

The evening started with me arriving about 15 minutes early. I let the hostess know I was there and waiting on the rest of my party…I then went to the bar and ordered a glass of wine. As I sat there I kept one eye looking for T and the other studying the menu  and quizzing the staff on “must tries”.

I then saw T come walking up…I paid the bartender and went to greet T. Wow… T is a truly beautiful woman. She came in wearing a casual, yet very flattering summer dress…very…very nice. I greeted her with a hug and we were then seated and the night was off and running.

Can I just say that I don’t remember much about the food? Or the concert for that matter… I hung on her every word. T is a confident, intelligent, inspiring, funny, sassy, bold, attractive woman.  We talked about everything and anything all night long… It seemed like we had been friends for a very long time. The openness was surreal…the comfort level was a rare find. I trusted her and she saw me for who I really am…it was quite refreshing. If she wasn’t taken, I’d attempt to pursue this wonderful and beautiful person. Her soldier is a very lucky man to have captured her heart, because it is truly a beautiful one.

So I continue to blog crush…hanging on the words of women who inspire and motivate me. Hoping that one day I will be so fortunate to capture the heart of one.

Here’s to “Tick and Swisted”!!

Blog Crushing

This man is…

Ready to launch!

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Bella and I are not going to happen…at least for the moment. I knew that last week. Yes, I am still going to be nice…just not going to approach it with a full court press. We’ll be neighbors…and we’ll build whatever friendship can come of it. Plain and simple.

Yet I desire to get out there again. This desire has been bubbling for a little while now. However, I haven’t really put any effort into my “dating life”. A few months ago I decided to take some time off and just be me. To listen to my heart…my spirit. I wasn’t going to aggressively pursue women. If one stumbled into my backyard, then I’d sniff around and see what could happen…otherwise it was just kids, family, and work. Then something just happened…a feeling to be vulnerable…a willingness to find someone to share with…a desire to connect. It seems all my excuses have been removed and it was just me…I was the last excuse. My excuse was…I tried this before…and got nowhere…and this time I needed a way to do it without it becoming work. So I set out to put myself out there one more time… Yes, I entered the online dating pool once again.

To me online dating is a chore. You attempt to create a marketing masterpiece of who you are and what you are looking for in a few hundred words or less (and let’s face it I am not a literary wonder). Then you proceed to find some pictures of yourself that reflect who you are, yet good enough to physically attract a  female on the prowl. Once you get all this set up you could literally spend hours searching and sending out emails…just hoping to get a nibble. Well this wasn’t going to be my approach this time…I set out seven days ago to simply put myself out there and see what came my way. I am fishing with a bobber….Cast and wait.

So there I am that late, lonely Saturday night (yes, feel sorry for me) online reading blogs and contemplating which personals site to cast myself into…I found it! A site that I was on almost two years ago…my profile was still there, just inactive. So I tweaked it…specified the type of woman I am looking for…added some new pictures and cast it out for the world to view. It didn’t take long. It was getting views… some attractive ones… some not so attractive… Then came a few interesting messages…So I paid the fee and I began responding.

So at this time there are two ladies who seem to have sincere interest in me… Now here is where the fun comes in…

One is very straight forward. I shall call her piranha. She is 38 and the single mother of two. Seems to know what she wants…has no problem asking. She has some extreme sexual energy about her…we share similar stories…and we can talk on the phone very well. My two flags here…she steers clear of my faith conversations and we always end up talking about sex. I get the sex part…we are both single parents with a few needs longing to be met…I have no problems giving good phone/IM sex and talking you through getting yours; however can we at first chat up the day? Can we find some depth?  I know it is abnormal; however I am a lover and need to be romanced a little. LOL There are some scary connection-like things…yet I am pushing back to see if it is just me yearning to connect versus real sustainable attributes…which takes time, not sex.

The other… She is 31 and a single mom of one. I shall call her unicorn. I have heard about these unicorns, yet I have not seen one as of yet. Our relationship to this point has been limited to a few emails…a lot of txt msgs…a couple of phone calls…and some IM chat. She appears to be a grounded, intelligent, funny, and very attractive. Her faith shows in her communications and lifestyle. She is active with and close to her immediate family. Everything I see says press on…yet the pace is one that is forcing patience (which I stink at). We are in the “planning” stages of our potential first meeting. I am eager to pursue as this woman is a keeper so far.

As I set back and ponder… I like the idea of being the pursued yet it seems backwards to me. I know I am old fashioned…but too easy, seems too easy.

 

 

**Update**
Piranha and I met Friday after work for the very first time. I greeted her in the parking lot with a hug and she added a kiss. So the tone was set for an interesting evening. I won’t lie…she is an attractive woman. Blonde hair, green eyes, just enough make-up, and has a nice HWP body…very nice. The first few minutes were very awkward. She just smiled and stared at me…which made me quite uncomfortable. She “loves my eyes” and “could stare at them all night long”. I felt very uncomfortable…mostly because I am usually the one doing the complimenting. Needless to say…the balance was off. As we sat on the patio she kept constant hold of my arm or hand…always gently caressing it. She gave off some serious vibes…the “take me now” vibes. We chatted about various things…much of the surface type stuff a first date brings. I was enjoying the time…feeling aroused…just not getting the connection. The night progressed and we went to a spot closer to our houses (go figure we live about a mile from each other). We had a few drinks and chatted. As it approached the 11^th hour I mentioned that we should go as it was getting late. I paid up and we headed outside. As I went to hug her goodbye…she met me and began to kiss me…I kissed back…then we ended up in my truck making out like two high school kids with nowhere else to go. Let’s just say…I could have… BUT I didn’t.

Good thing I have the kids to act as speed bumps…cause I have to pump the breaks. 

The website is down…

The website is down…

If you are in the  “Information Technology” arena you will find this hilarious! Be warned…there are some “f” bombs in it.

The website is down

Tequila and Poolside Confessions

So the weekend came and went. I am not going to focus on any of the mundane things like laundry, shopping (with kids), or other routine stuff that we all do.  I am going straight to the good stuff…

As I left work on Friday I was unsure of the BBQ with Bella status…so I sent txt to Bella asking if it were still ago before I let the kids in on the plans…she said it was and to come at 7pm. I replied asking if I could bring something…she said “something sweet”. Well I brought fresh strawberries, angel food cake, whipped cream, and watermelon. When I walked in with it…she laughed and called me a “dork”.  (According to nearby girlfriend…dork is a term of affection with her.) After further explanation from Bella…I was only supposed to bring me. <smile> 

So the night was pretty crazy…Bella had her five kids, five more that she was watching, a couple and their two kids, plus me and my three.  Yes, do the math fifteen kids were there at one point or another. It was a bit crazy…so what did we do? We drank.

The drink of choice was margaritas. Since she didn’t have the ingredients…I quickly offered up my liquor and use of my blender (I so love this thing!!!). While I am not a big drinker, I do have quite a selection of liquor for all the entertaining I had planned to do while single (that entertaining never happened. Ugh!!). So, I hustled across the street and got the goods. One flaw is that while I may have the goods…I don’t know how to use the goods…I am talking about making drinks. Good thing…Bella does. She apparently worked as a bartender after her split up. So now thanks to her…I know how to make a pitcher of frozen margaritas.  Ah, teaching me already. LOL

As the night went on we handled kid issues, laughed, swapped stories, and I made new friends in S&K (Bella’s married couple friends down the street).  If I recall we carried on until twelve-thirty when my little AA decided she was ready to sleep…”Daddy…I am tired…can we go home?”  How can I say no to that… So home we went… Just not before Bella said… “We are going to the pool early…are you guys joining us?” …another question that I couldn’t say no to.

The hard thing here is that Bella and I never get any time to just chat…good…bad…or indifferent…it has rarely occurred. Until poolside Saturday… the conversation started innocently until she said “You make me nervous”. I was like… “I do? How?”  It all comes down to the attention. She feels that I like her and it makes her nervous. She was with her husband for fifteen years…high school sweethearts…and well she isn’t ready for commitment and senses I am. She is just trying to find herself again…only dating since February, she is just getting started. I respect that about her. No desire to jump for the first good thing.  The conversation was great. She openly admitted that she enjoys me and wants me to keep coming around so we can continue to get to know each other. I told her that I understood all too well and that I’d never want to take away from our potential friendship by crossing boundaries.

So I stood there and shook my fists at God… timing!! It isn’t with me. If there is one lesson God is trying to get me to learn it is patience.  I rest my head in the hope that it will all come in the right timing…no matter how much I desire it at the present. It is funny how the test will keep repeating until I am able to master the skill. Ugh! 

Every day I am faced with hundreds of choices…some of them innocuous…the either or kind…turn left or turn right? Others require a bit more thought…Eat a bacon cheeseburger, which I love, or a flavorless salad, which I know is better for me, however it will ultimately leave me feeling unsatisfied. Then there are those really tough choices…Should I seek out someone to be with just because I am somewhat isolated and yearn so deeply for any kind of human contact that my skin actually hurts or be still and endure.

Hanging in the wind

Don’t you just love/hate that hanging/floating “I am in a bubble” feeling? I do.

Not that I am at a point of commitment with anyone at the moment; However Bella sure did turn me away from looking her way.  

So… before I start…she is my neighbor so outside of some fun flirting I wasn’t really expecting anything substantial.  We have had some talks while the kids played….she called me to pick her and the kids up from the pool one day…we sat next to the pool and chatted. All seems very “friendly” right? I thought so. Among other things I asked her if she dated. Her response was a good one. It focused on the fact that she was unsure with all the stuff around her ex wanting to come back and all.  — Well you should have seen the man who rolled up to pick her up last night. I am not the nosy neighbor at all. As I stood outside playing with my kids and tweaking some sprinkler heads…this very nice sporty Mercedes pulls up. Out of this car comes an older, fashionable, short man. I chuckled inside. He looked very well put together and typical of what you see in the suburbs of North Dallas when you go out. 

Well at first I was a bit taken back. Then I remembered wait…No expectations, right? Yes, no expectations. It means no reason to be disappointed. Yet, I was. I was disappointed that she wasn’t truthful.  If I am ever going to lie it isn’t going to be to the neighbor who lives across the street and can see my comings and goings. I am an adult…just be real and sincere.  

So this is a “Hanging in the wind” moment. One where your thoughts get ahead of you and you are out there like a bubble in the wind…wishing….hoping…and thinking higher!  Then *pop* the bubble bursts and you are back to reality.  

Reality is that we are neighbors/friends and that is a good thing for now.  She did send me a txt msg today: “Hi there. Just though you would want to know that your kids are at the pool and we came down here. They are having so much fun. J Happy Friday.” Me: “ Awesome! Enjoy the pool and your day off. Maybe I’ll see you around this weekend.” Hers: “Think we are going to BBQ tonight and have some friends over. You all are welcome to come over around 7 or so. I will enjoy the day and you do the same”. Me: “Sounds fun. Let me know what to bring. I am sure the kids will be on board.” Her: “J”  - BBQs are what neighbors do.

The way I look at it. You’ll see more of someone’s character in everyday life. If you watch closely you see a person how they really are…and not just when they are “putting on the show”.  

All in all I just wanted to vent. She is a good person with a great spirit… I don’t know why she told me she wasn’t dating. I am in another bubble at the moment. A bubble that has me a lot higher than I have been in awhile. Maybe this bubble will land in someone’s hand.

 

 

Happiness is …

My blog friend T wrote a blog about her favorite things awhile back…and she inspired me. So I started a list of 100 things that make me happy.

 

 

1. My kids laughter

2. Memories that make me smile

3. Random adventures

4. My blender

5. Morning coffee

6. Nice wine

7. dancing

8. Great friends

9. Margaritas on the patio

10. My birthday!

11. Family game time

12. Beautiful smiles

13. Snuggling

14. Being a dad

15. LA

16. RT

17. AA

18. the Farmers Market

19. long hot showers

20. music

21. road trips

22. Book stores

23. Big words

24. Deep, intellectually stimulating conversations

25. Pedicures

26. Massages

27. The ocean

28. hammocks

29. comedy

30. witty sarcasm

31. cooking demos

32. funny stories

33. Eating out

34. Taking pictures

35. A good book

36. Rain on a Sunday afternoon

37. Good health

38. Making a difference

39. hugs from mom

40. Honesty

41. Sunsets

42.Soft Hands

43. blogging

44. Chiminea fires

45. Spontaneity

46. B&B’s

47. New recipes

48. Flirting

49. A first kiss

50. Fresh snow

51. Forgiveness

52. A clean house

53. sweet tea

54. waffles

55. Movie night

56. my comfy bed

57. Peace & quiet

58. Scrabble

59. Sudoku

60. rambling

61. picnics

62. Miami Dolphin’s football

63. perfume on a pillow

64. fresh baked anything

65. People watching

66. Star gazing

67. Finding shapes in clouds

68. grazing on samples

69. Late night phone calls

70. gardenias

71. fresh cut grass

72. waterfalls

73. Swimming

74. Naps

75. Having a plan

76. Rocky Road Ice Cream

77. Mountains

78. Holding hands

79. Early morning attention *wink

80. Bacon

81. Being inspired

82. Epiphanies

83. Historical markers

84. Prayer

85. Getting a letter or card in the actual mailbox

86. Skipping stones

87. Fall

88. Breakfast in bed

89. Surprises

90. A neck to kiss

91. Hammocks

92. Random acts of kindness

93. Beating the odds

94. Learning

95. Growing

96. Courage

97. Strength

98. Confidence

99. Embracing life

100. Being me!

 

What make’s you happy?

Must Love Kids…

It it’s a bit more complicated than that.

So after reading Modern Single Momma’s blog on the new TLC reality show “Must Love Kids”  I decided to record and watch them…to see a “real world” depiction of dating a single mom.

Of the three women I could only go for one… Vanessa. Ok, she is cute and I do have this tendency for blondes…but let’s move away from the physical. She is the only one that seems to have it together…IMHO. I am not bragging by any means…however I parent/care for three kids everyday…all me…no help. Tracy lets her kid run over her…and Kristin is just too quirky and comes with a live in mom (ugh).  Now Vanessa appears to have it together. She makes a healthy breakfast, they eat together, she invokes structure to her children’s lives, and she smiles all the time. In her interactions she is respectful and considerate…yet has a patient boldness.  She seems to be complete as a person. Content and confident in herself. I watched as she looked for what she wanted and quickly weeded out what didn’t work. She had no time to “wait and see” if they’d come around. She is a mom who carries all the hats…she desires a man that won’t be another “chore”.

I wish it were the fact that I needed them just to love my kids. I need someone that will ultimately be able to blend into a successful life with me. Do our values/beliefs support each other? Do our parenting styles mesh? What about financial issues? Is she willing to make sacrifices to make the relationship successful and harmonious? Does she like waffles? There is a lot to consider from both sides even with love present.

I often wonder how early these things should be discussed.  Should they come out in random conversation or should I be direct and throw it all out on the table? It seems I have always had subtle tests that start from the first meeting: Is she considerate of others? Is she comfortable in her own skin prior to alcohol intake? Can she defend her opinion intelligently? Is she positive or negative about life? Can she dance? Can she kiss? All things you can glean from those first date experiences if you so desire. Where is my TV show setting me up with a boat load of women to choose from?

Too many times we end up disappointed because of unmet expectations. Well I am tired of it. I believe you get what you go after.  I look for depth of personality, not bra size. I look at her character; bikini or tankini…not such a big deal.  Sorry. I’d rather be playing with my kids then flexing in the gym mirror. Of course she needs to be HWP…but then so should I.  For me I do best when I only date one person at a time or not date at all. After I determine that a future cannot be had then I’ll let them know. Yes, I tell them upfront that I ultimately want an LTR that could turn into marriage. If they are not interested then let’s be friends and move on. Face it, I can’t do casual dating…I like to attach…I am a one woman guy looking for a one guy woman. Period.

 Oh yeah, back to the show… To my knowledge… None of the potential suitors were guys with six pack abs… They all looked pretty average to me. We are moms and dads. Not models and gym rats.

It must be the season…

… for love or at least there are several of us out there just yearning for some real, sincere, honest intimacy.  If you don’t believe me just look around the blogosphere… more on this later.

What a weekend.

Well not the kind that you are all thinking of. LOL

It was a fairly productive weekend.

1.        I finished up my July birthdays with my son’s. RT turned 8 on Sunday. Both of my kids were fortunate enough to have me slave in the kitchen this week producing meals to feed the near and dear to us. I enjoy cooking and the accolades that come with serving…ribs so tender the meat falls off the bones…chili that starts off sweet and ends with a gentle kick. Nothing brings a smile like a good meal followed by a pelting of airsoft pellets (yes, I got my son some for his birthday…a real boys toy). Along with birthdays come…our immediate family members and the associated drama (which I’ll omit as we all have it).

2.       Boo stayed with us from Friday until this morning. This fine lady is my children’s maternal grandmother.  Yes, I can hear you now…He still associates and tolerates his ex-mother-in-law? Yes I do.  Matter of fact she helps me more than my own mother. This weekend she helped me hang my wall décor (This is a big deal seeing how I am a guy that has no earthly idea how to decorate. Now my house looks like we actually live there…a big improvement). She also is the one taking my kids off to her house for three days and nights…the only one who is willing to do this for me.  So I am thankful and willing to tolerate her subtle “improvements I can make for the children” comments…ugh.

3.       I managed to interact with Bella from across the street.  Bella is my VASM (very attractive single mom) who lives directly across from me and is of Italian descent. Bella has a smile that just does something for me.  Anyway…  Bella offered for LA to sleep over on Friday night with her girls as they were celebrating a b-day. I was like ok…and then offered to take one of her son’s to see Batman with my son and I. This interaction really sparked our kids. So much that one her daughters stayed at my house Saturday night while she went away with her girl friends.  So it all sounds good…right? Well the kicker is Bella has five kids. Ages from 3 to 13. She is a great mom and had many great attributes… So why does she have to be my neighbor? That should place her into the “just friends” bucket shouldn’t it? I am flirting with her and getting some response back… however no “spooning” as of yet. LOL. We are going to have some wine soon so we can chat without chaos. To which I look forward to…the eyes. OMG

So now here I sit about to leave work with three nights to myself…with nothing to do. No dates… No cuddling… Not even a good conversation to be had. Woe is me, right? Nah. I could have put some energy into it…however I am not in a rush at the moment. I am content.  I do yearn for that intimacy that QTmama describes in her blog. Yet, I am tired of energy wasted without reward.  Feelings of guilt left from empty sex. The reward to me is that one who gets me…and I am ready for that reward. Until then…I’ll just go to my sister’s house and let her cook for me. Then I’ll go set it off at the gym.