So this week I am on the road…Yes, I am on a rare business trip. I attended a conference in Los Angeles California where I received recognition for being one of the top 100 most innovative CIO’s in the midsize enterprise market space. To many this may not mean much; however to me and my peers this is a pretty big nice thing. All this and I still get wrapped up in contemplating an area that remains uncertain in my life.

Let me lay it out so you can visualize the situation. I am at an event with my peers sponsored by a vendor that is trying to get us to buy the wares they are peddling. They are buying alcohol and we are all just enjoying the evening and conversing. The woman that is coordinating this event is a very attractive woman… For now she’ll be known as Ontario. She is intelligent, has a really great figure, confident, and is well put together. So the topic of her age comes in to discussion. The other guys are saying she is in her early thirties and I am like no way…her face says she is at least 38…then she says she has a 17 year old. So I chime in at 41. She is 42 soon to be 43. Needless to say I am quite impressed. She touted the fact that she works hard at it and is very proud. Shoot, I would be too!! So we all chat some more and I find that she is recently separated after being married to her high school sweetheart for like 18 years. I share some of my story and the evening ends… I return to my room wine in hand and proceed to sit on the balcony overlooking Beverly Hills and I think. I sit there and wonder what goes through the mind of a 42 year old woman who has two kids, her own business, and seems to have it all together. Is she done with the idea of marriage? Would she consider marriage again? Why would she throw it all away?

I didn’t process this “just because”. I processed this because it is an internal struggle that I face. I have three kids who need a lot of me. There is only so much to give. So I ask myself: Should I just scrap the idea of finding love until my youngest is older and less dependent? I figure that is 6-7 years out. I’d be 41-42 and still have some good years ahead of me. Or should I put effort into it when the opportunity presents itself? So my mind was racing about the options and well Ms. Ontario certainly showed that at 42 there were still woman that I would find quite attractive at all levels. So I went to bed set on asking her for her perspective.

The next day was full of sessions so I didn’t get a chance to engage her privately until last night before the awards dinner. As we were walking in I asked her if I could ask a more personal question. She said yes and we stopped and talked. I explained me and then asked my questions from above. She was very open to the dialogue. She said she had only left her husband three weeks earlier and that she wasn’t certain she was done with her marriage. She said she wants to be married; however she is tired of not being fulfilled in that relationship. She said she is afraid of being alone and desires to have someone to journey with. She told me that she believes love should just be allowed to happen naturally and once she is done figuring out her and where she is at in life…she desires for that to happen. She urged me to do the same… and we left it at that. She gave me her business card and told me to stay in touch. No worries Ms. Ontario…. I will.

So at the end of all that I realized I have time. Yes, I want it; however I want it to be right. I struggle today because I don’t have the time or energy to be “me” in a relationship and I don’t like that. The kids want a mom…I just don’t want to settle for less than what God has for me.

It has almost been a year since my last post. That is simply amazing. Time just moves around you and you get caught up in life. I so need to stop getting “caught up” and start grabbing it… really grabbing it.

So let’s see if this man can make a comeback to the blogosphere.

So I am back…back to blogging. I’m not sure it’ll be all that gratifying, though, because I’m mostly writing this entry to let y’all know that the blogging’s going to continue to be light here for the foreseeable future.

One of my reasons for starting this blog was to make the life of a single dad of three somewhat more transparent to the world at large: to give people a better sense of what goes on with my time, the challenges I face, what it’s like to be a single full time dad, and how I got here in the first place. Another reason, of course, was to connect with people outside my usual social universe. While I’ve no idea whether I really succeeded in helping people understand me, there’s no doubt that blogging has helped me meet and talk to some amazing people… thanks for being patient and always supporting…thanks for being here.

As it would be hard to review all the events that have occurred in my blogging sabbatical…I will try to summarize and catch you up. My journey over the last month has been a bit crazy…

·         School started. Three kids. All new schools. All new routines. I have to work remotely two days a week just to get it all done

·         I got a promotion at work. More responsibility. Some travel. Not much more $$.

·         My youngest started really verbalizing and acting out her emotions about her mother’s death. Back to grief counseling. Tomorrow she turns five, yet her emotions are like those of a three year old.

·         I met a woman…a really great, intelligent, sexy single mom of two…an engineer…the real deal…a keeper. So we are dating…exclusively.

All in all life has been good. I really can’t or won’t complain. Life is going at break neck pace and I am trying to keep it all together…without adding too much to the chaos.

I’ll be back… I miss sharing… I miss the fellowship.

So if you want some more details on my story…go check it out.

SMS…Thank you for letting me share.

Looking at the very trusted, often advised Urban Dictionary I find the definition of a crush to be:

1.        The act of falling hard for someone even though it isn’t love yet.

2.        A person you find to be attractive (physically, mentally, whatever)

3.        An amazing thing that gives you feelings of nerves and excitement whenever you see them.

There was no listing for a “blog crush” so I decided to define it myself. For me it has to meet certain criteria:             

1.         I can’t wait to read what they post next. 

2.         I want to be at minimum friends with them. 

3.         I think they are the shiznit

4.         I find them attractive: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or whatever floats my boat.

5.        If I were to meet them in person, my skin may turn a nice shade of red.

Not to go all junior high on anyone…but I have some crushes…and a week ago last Saturday night I had the opportunity to meet one.

I can’t actually remember how I ran across her blog, but as I read her blog on impermanence, I remember thinking this woman has so much depth to her soul…what does she look like? After reading it I must have spent an hour researching the topic..I was hooked on her insight. So wise to know herself so deeply. Over the course of the last two months I began to comment on her blog…and we began to become blogosphere friends.  Her comments on my blogs were always insightful and personal…she was reading me as well…I was honored. Over time we began to communicate via iHeart and regular email. Eventually we decided to meet…just two single parents…two blogging friends going to meet and make a virtual friendship more real.

As with any single parent meeting the scheduling took some time to coordinate. Her kids…my kids…we needed no kids. Well that came to be and the plan was set. She knew of this outdoor concert at a local art museum in downtown Dallas. We decided that was the venue and I’d take care of dinner reservations.  It was a date…well sort of.

I have a few rules that I apply to all dates…if we are dining…pick a great restaurant so that if the company is lacking, you can at minimum savor the food. I picked a great restaurant… Stephan Piles.  This five star restaurant has been on my short list for awhile now. Even if T and I couldn’t talk…we would have a great meal.

The evening started with me arriving about 15 minutes early. I let the hostess know I was there and waiting on the rest of my party…I then went to the bar and ordered a glass of wine. As I sat there I kept one eye looking for T and the other studying the menu  and quizzing the staff on “must tries”.

I then saw T come walking up…I paid the bartender and went to greet T. Wow… T is a truly beautiful woman. She came in wearing a casual, yet very flattering summer dress…very…very nice. I greeted her with a hug and we were then seated and the night was off and running.

Can I just say that I don’t remember much about the food? Or the concert for that matter… I hung on her every word. T is a confident, intelligent, inspiring, funny, sassy, bold, attractive woman.  We talked about everything and anything all night long… It seemed like we had been friends for a very long time. The openness was surreal…the comfort level was a rare find. I trusted her and she saw me for who I really am…it was quite refreshing. If she wasn’t taken, I’d attempt to pursue this wonderful and beautiful person. Her soldier is a very lucky man to have captured her heart, because it is truly a beautiful one.

So I continue to blog crush…hanging on the words of women who inspire and motivate me. Hoping that one day I will be so fortunate to capture the heart of one.

Here’s to “Tick and Swisted”!!

Blog Crushing

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Bella and I are not going to happen…at least for the moment. I knew that last week. Yes, I am still going to be nice…just not going to approach it with a full court press. We’ll be neighbors…and we’ll build whatever friendship can come of it. Plain and simple.

Yet I desire to get out there again. This desire has been bubbling for a little while now. However, I haven’t really put any effort into my “dating life”. A few months ago I decided to take some time off and just be me. To listen to my heart…my spirit. I wasn’t going to aggressively pursue women. If one stumbled into my backyard, then I’d sniff around and see what could happen…otherwise it was just kids, family, and work. Then something just happened…a feeling to be vulnerable…a willingness to find someone to share with…a desire to connect. It seems all my excuses have been removed and it was just me…I was the last excuse. My excuse was…I tried this before…and got nowhere…and this time I needed a way to do it without it becoming work. So I set out to put myself out there one more time… Yes, I entered the online dating pool once again.

To me online dating is a chore. You attempt to create a marketing masterpiece of who you are and what you are looking for in a few hundred words or less (and let’s face it I am not a literary wonder). Then you proceed to find some pictures of yourself that reflect who you are, yet good enough to physically attract a  female on the prowl. Once you get all this set up you could literally spend hours searching and sending out emails…just hoping to get a nibble. Well this wasn’t going to be my approach this time…I set out seven days ago to simply put myself out there and see what came my way. I am fishing with a bobber….Cast and wait.

So there I am that late, lonely Saturday night (yes, feel sorry for me) online reading blogs and contemplating which personals site to cast myself into…I found it! A site that I was on almost two years ago…my profile was still there, just inactive. So I tweaked it…specified the type of woman I am looking for…added some new pictures and cast it out for the world to view. It didn’t take long. It was getting views… some attractive ones… some not so attractive… Then came a few interesting messages…So I paid the fee and I began responding.

So at this time there are two ladies who seem to have sincere interest in me… Now here is where the fun comes in…

One is very straight forward. I shall call her piranha. She is 38 and the single mother of two. Seems to know what she wants…has no problem asking. She has some extreme sexual energy about her…we share similar stories…and we can talk on the phone very well. My two flags here…she steers clear of my faith conversations and we always end up talking about sex. I get the sex part…we are both single parents with a few needs longing to be met…I have no problems giving good phone/IM sex and talking you through getting yours; however can we at first chat up the day? Can we find some depth?  I know it is abnormal; however I am a lover and need to be romanced a little. LOL There are some scary connection-like things…yet I am pushing back to see if it is just me yearning to connect versus real sustainable attributes…which takes time, not sex.

The other… She is 31 and a single mom of one. I shall call her unicorn. I have heard about these unicorns, yet I have not seen one as of yet. Our relationship to this point has been limited to a few emails…a lot of txt msgs…a couple of phone calls…and some IM chat. She appears to be a grounded, intelligent, funny, and very attractive. Her faith shows in her communications and lifestyle. She is active with and close to her immediate family. Everything I see says press on…yet the pace is one that is forcing patience (which I stink at). We are in the “planning” stages of our potential first meeting. I am eager to pursue as this woman is a keeper so far.

As I set back and ponder… I like the idea of being the pursued yet it seems backwards to me. I know I am old fashioned…but too easy, seems too easy.

**Update**
Piranha and I met Friday after work for the very first time. I greeted her in the parking lot with a hug and she added a kiss. So the tone was set for an interesting evening. I won’t lie…she is an attractive woman. Blonde hair, green eyes, just enough make-up, and has a nice HWP body…very nice. The first few minutes were very awkward. She just smiled and stared at me…which made me quite uncomfortable. She “loves my eyes” and “could stare at them all night long”. I felt very uncomfortable…mostly because I am usually the one doing the complimenting. Needless to say…the balance was off. As we sat on the patio she kept constant hold of my arm or hand…always gently caressing it. She gave off some serious vibes…the “take me now” vibes. We chatted about various things…much of the surface type stuff a first date brings. I was enjoying the time…feeling aroused…just not getting the connection. The night progressed and we went to a spot closer to our houses (go figure we live about a mile from each other). We had a few drinks and chatted. As it approached the 11^th hour I mentioned that we should go as it was getting late. I paid up and we headed outside. As I went to hug her goodbye…she met me and began to kiss me…I kissed back…then we ended up in my truck making out like two high school kids with nowhere else to go. Let’s just say…I could have… BUT I didn’t.

Good thing I have the kids to act as speed bumps…cause I have to pump the breaks. 

If you are in the  “Information Technology” arena you will find this hilarious! Be warned…there are some “f” bombs in it.

The website is down

As I left work on Friday I was unsure of the BBQ with Bella status…so I sent txt to Bella asking if it were still ago before I let the kids in on the plans…she said it was and to come at 7pm. I replied asking if I could bring something…she said “something sweet”. Well I brought fresh strawberries, angel food cake, whipped cream, and watermelon. When I walked in with it…she laughed and called me a “dork”.  (According to nearby girlfriend…dork is a term of affection with her.) After further explanation from Bella…I was only supposed to bring me. <smile> 

So the night was pretty crazy…Bella had her five kids, five more that she was watching, a couple and their two kids, plus me and my three.  Yes, do the math fifteen kids were there at one point or another. It was a bit crazy…so what did we do? We drank.

The drink of choice was margaritas. Since she didn’t have the ingredients…I quickly offered up my liquor and use of my blender (I so love this thing!!!). While I am not a big drinker, I do have quite a selection of liquor for all the entertaining I had planned to do while single (that entertaining never happened. Ugh!!). So, I hustled across the street and got the goods. One flaw is that while I may have the goods…I don’t know how to use the goods…I am talking about making drinks. Good thing…Bella does. She apparently worked as a bartender after her split up. So now thanks to her…I know how to make a pitcher of frozen margaritas.  Ah, teaching me already. LOL

As the night went on we handled kid issues, laughed, swapped stories, and I made new friends in S&K (Bella’s married couple friends down the street).  If I recall we carried on until twelve-thirty when my little AA decided she was ready to sleep…”Daddy…I am tired…can we go home?”  How can I say no to that… So home we went… Just not before Bella said… “We are going to the pool early…are you guys joining us?” …another question that I couldn’t say no to.

The hard thing here is that Bella and I never get any time to just chat…good…bad…or indifferent…it has rarely occurred. Until poolside Saturday… the conversation started innocently until she said “You make me nervous”. I was like… “I do? How?”  It all comes down to the attention. She feels that I like her and it makes her nervous. She was with her husband for fifteen years…high school sweethearts…and well she isn’t ready for commitment and senses I am. She is just trying to find herself again…only dating since February, she is just getting started. I respect that about her. No desire to jump for the first good thing.  The conversation was great. She openly admitted that she enjoys me and wants me to keep coming around so we can continue to get to know each other. I told her that I understood all too well and that I’d never want to take away from our potential friendship by crossing boundaries.

So I stood there and shook my fists at God… timing!! It isn’t with me. If there is one lesson God is trying to get me to learn it is patience.  I rest my head in the hope that it will all come in the right timing…no matter how much I desire it at the present. It is funny how the test will keep repeating until I am able to master the skill. Ugh! 

Every day I am faced with hundreds of choices…some of them innocuous…the either or kind…turn left or turn right? Others require a bit more thought…Eat a bacon cheeseburger, which I love, or a flavorless salad, which I know is better for me, however it will ultimately leave me feeling unsatisfied. Then there are those really tough choices…Should I seek out someone to be with just because I am somewhat isolated and yearn so deeply for any kind of human contact that my skin actually hurts or be still and endure.

Don’t you just love/hate that hanging/floating “I am in a bubble” feeling? I do.

Not that I am at a point of commitment with anyone at the moment; However Bella sure did turn me away from looking her way.  

So… before I start…she is my neighbor so outside of some fun flirting I wasn’t really expecting anything substantial.  We have had some talks while the kids played….she called me to pick her and the kids up from the pool one day…we sat next to the pool and chatted. All seems very “friendly” right? I thought so. Among other things I asked her if she dated. Her response was a good one. It focused on the fact that she was unsure with all the stuff around her ex wanting to come back and all.  — Well you should have seen the man who rolled up to pick her up last night. I am not the nosy neighbor at all. As I stood outside playing with my kids and tweaking some sprinkler heads…this very nice sporty Mercedes pulls up. Out of this car comes an older, fashionable, short man. I chuckled inside. He looked very well put together and typical of what you see in the suburbs of North Dallas when you go out. 

Well at first I was a bit taken back. Then I remembered wait…No expectations, right? Yes, no expectations. It means no reason to be disappointed. Yet, I was. I was disappointed that she wasn’t truthful.  If I am ever going to lie it isn’t going to be to the neighbor who lives across the street and can see my comings and goings. I am an adult…just be real and sincere.  

So this is a “Hanging in the wind” moment. One where your thoughts get ahead of you and you are out there like a bubble in the wind…wishing….hoping…and thinking higher!  Then *pop* the bubble bursts and you are back to reality.  

Reality is that we are neighbors/friends and that is a good thing for now.  She did send me a txt msg today: “Hi there. Just though you would want to know that your kids are at the pool and we came down here. They are having so much fun. J Happy Friday.” Me: “ Awesome! Enjoy the pool and your day off. Maybe I’ll see you around this weekend.” Hers: “Think we are going to BBQ tonight and have some friends over. You all are welcome to come over around 7 or so. I will enjoy the day and you do the same”. Me: “Sounds fun. Let me know what to bring. I am sure the kids will be on board.” Her: “J”  - BBQs are what neighbors do.

The way I look at it. You’ll see more of someone’s character in everyday life. If you watch closely you see a person how they really are…and not just when they are “putting on the show”.  

My blog friend T wrote a blog about her favorite things awhile back…and she inspired me. So I started a list of 100 things that make me happy.

1. My kids laughter

2. Memories that make me smile

3. Random adventures

4. My blender

5. Morning coffee

6. Nice wine

7. dancing

8. Great friends

9. Margaritas on the patio

10. My birthday!

11. Family game time

12. Beautiful smiles

13. Snuggling

14. Being a dad

15. LA

16. RT

17. AA

18. the Farmers Market

19. long hot showers

20. music

21. road trips

22. Book stores

23. Big words

24. Deep, intellectually stimulating conversations

25. Pedicures

26. Massages

27. The ocean

28. hammocks

29. comedy

30. witty sarcasm

31. cooking demos

32. funny stories

33. Eating out

34. Taking pictures

35. A good book

36. Rain on a Sunday afternoon

37. Good health

38. Making a difference

39. hugs from mom

40. Honesty

41. Sunsets

42.Soft Hands

43. blogging

44. Chiminea fires

45. Spontaneity

46. B&B’s

47. New recipes

48. Flirting

49. A first kiss

50. Fresh snow

51. Forgiveness

52. A clean house

53. sweet tea

54. waffles

55. Movie night

56. my comfy bed

57. Peace & quiet

58. Scrabble

59. Sudoku

60. rambling

61. picnics

62. Miami Dolphin’s football

63. perfume on a pillow

64. fresh baked anything

65. People watching

66. Star gazing

67. Finding shapes in clouds

68. grazing on samples

69. Late night phone calls

70. gardenias

71. fresh cut grass

72. waterfalls

73. Swimming

74. Naps

75. Having a plan

76. Rocky Road Ice Cream

77. Mountains

78. Holding hands

79. Early morning attention *wink

80. Bacon

81. Being inspired

82. Epiphanies

83. Historical markers

84. Prayer

85. Getting a letter or card in the actual mailbox

86. Skipping stones

87. Fall

88. Breakfast in bed

89. Surprises

90. A neck to kiss

91. Hammocks

92. Random acts of kindness

93. Beating the odds

94. Learning

95. Growing

96. Courage

97. Strength

98. Confidence

99. Embracing life

100. Being me!

What make’s you happy?